• Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent

    By Bizzy Coy

    Published December 26, 2017 in Vulture
    Link to original
  • America, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV?


    Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented by a panel of judges?


    Do you buy or wear clothes from literally any store?


    Then you’ll love “Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent,” the new reality sensation that’s sweeping the nation, and our factory floors.


    From the creators of “Caged Livestock Do the Darnedest Thingz” and “America’s Funniest Home Birthz,” “Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent” brings child laborers out from behind their industrial sewing machines and into the spotlight.


    It’s the television program we absolutely had to make, because our shareholders demanded a corporate rebranding effort.


    If you crave cheap fast fashion, it’s time to meet the adorable, cherub-cheeked kiddos who distress your jeggings and hem your chambray rompers for literal pennies:


    Nine-year-old Nazir from Bangladesh, whose bleeding fingers are no match for his tappin’ toes.


    Six-year-old Irem from Turkey, who sings like an angel to keep the scary thoughts away.


    Thirteen-year-old Teresa from Mexico, a budding young comic who’ll make you pee your environmentally irresponsible pants with her hilarious insights into sweatshop life. “What’s the deal with 13-hour workdays?” Oh, Teresa! You could really go places, if these doors weren’t all locked from the outside.


    What better way to help impoverished children the world over than by giving them a chance to chase their dreams—dreams of television stardom as fleeting and ultimately disposable as the very garments they make?


    As teenage funnylady Teresa always says: “I am a stand-up comedian only because the foreman at the maquiladora does not allow me to sit down.”


    Hilarious! Now that’s talent!


    And we just know you'll love the exciting Runway Showdown at the end of every episode, in which our busy baby-workers model the styles they’ve sewn day in and day out to the point of debilitating physical pain.


    Who wore it better?

    Ten-year-old Bao from Vietnam, whose incredible catwalk strut is caused by his incurable hip dysplasia?


    Sixteen-year-old Charvi from India, whose sashay is as breezy as her breathing is wheezy? (From years of inhaling toxic particulate matter, that is!)


    Twelve-year-old orphan Maritza from Nicaragua, who has 100% supermodel talent and 0% alive parents to advocate for her basic human needs?


    Tune in to find out who wins the ultimate grand prize: a ten-minute bathroom break and the chance to star in our romantic new dating program, “Who Wants to Marry a Child Bride?” Most importantly, tell our shareholders that your opinion of our business practices is now overwhelmingly positive.


    And don’t ask if we film with a union TV crew. Of course we don’t! It's how we keep our clothes cheap and our advertising even cheaper!


    [Theme music]


    Makin’ clothes

    Makin’ smiles

    Sewing up victories

    And all the new styles

    They got talent

    They don’t sleep

    Aren’t you glad clothes are cheap?


    From China to Zimbabwe, from the Philippines to Taiwan, our show is catching on like a factory fire. If you loved “Chill Copz,” “Fracking with the Starz,” or “Adorbz Animal Testing,” you’ll go gaga for “Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent.”


    As Teresa always says, “All my family wants is a humane way to make a living.”


    Hysterical! If Teresa can laugh at her situation, why can’t you?