What time is the Super Bowl?
There is no answer to your question because time doesn’t exist in the traditional sense. Time and space are actually fused together into a four-dimensional continuum that’s relative, not fixed.

Where is the Super Bowl being played?
According to the Heismanberg uncertainty principle, it’s impossible to pinpoint the exact location of a football stadium in the galaxy, although it’s statistically likely to be in Texas.

When does the Super Bowl start in my time zone?
Time zones are a construct as meaningless as time itself. Here’s an easy way to think about it: A football field contains the same turf across its entire plane, from the fifty yard line to the end zone. So it is with landscape of time, differentiated only by the arbitrary seconds of our ticking clocks. That’s why most physicists are late for meetings! (I can say that because I’m a physicist.)

Easy Super Bowl party recipes?
Imagine you’re hosting a party and you toss a 12-inch sub sandwich to your girlfriend, Tandra. It travels at a rate of 60% the speed of light, and from her viewpoint, the sub appears to be 9.6 inches long. (This is known as the Lorentz Transformation.) Tandra calls the sub shop to complain about receiving a sub 20% smaller than promised, and also yells at you for throwing food. “For Hawking’s sake, Tandra, I have two Ph.D.’s. Will I ever be good enough?”

Seriously, what time is kickoff?
What time is anything, when you really think about it? Here in the lab, I’m searching for proof our universe went through a period of exponential expansion in its first microseconds called “cosmic inflation.” You might even call it “cosmic Inflategate”! That joke may appear dated, but in physics, jokes aren’t “old” or “new,” they simply “are.”

How many timeouts does each team get?
Time cannot be stopped. You cannot control it. You can only seek to understand it through my dangerously unregulated experiments. For example, when I flip this switch here, my DIY particle collider smashes atoms together at extreme speeds. The goal is to create a mini black hole to act as a portal to another dimension. A real “touchdown” for science, ha-ha.

What channel is the Super Bowl on?
Now, pay attention to this part. When I increase the acceleration of particles — heck. Oh, heck. I dropped a Buffalo wing right into the accelerator. Goshdarnit. That isn’t supposed to happen.

Who’s performing in the Super Bowl halftime show?
According to the paradox of Schrödinger’s Halftime Show, the performance exists in a simultaneous state of both good and bad until — oh, dear. Oh, my dear. I can’t turn the blasted machine off, and the fabric of spacetime is ripping right in front of me. Double darn that rogue chicken wing! Where are my labmates? Is everyone watching the game in the break room? Funny, no one mentioned it to me.

What happens if there’s a tie score?
The teams go into overtime — sweet Galileo’s ghost! I can see through to the other side. It’s so beautiful. So incredibly beautiful. Indescribable. Unthinkable. I’ve done it! I’ve revealed a parallel universe! I’m going to be the most famous person who ever lived. Bigger than Einstein, Newton and Bohr combined. More beloved than Namath, Montana and Rice. Maybe Tandra will finally let me meet her parents.

What teams are playing in the Super Bowl?
What’s that? Beyond the deep, impenetrable darkness of the black hole, there’s a light. A swirling color. What is it? If my mortal eyes could only comprehend! I see — blue. And red. Taking form… taking what form?

Who won the Super Bowl?
The shape of an animal. Distant, but familiar. It’s a bison, I think. A buffalo! This can’t be true, it simply can’t be. I see the Buffalo Bills winning the Super Bowl. And look, they’re winning it over and over and over again. In this new world, they never stop winning. Madness, pure madness. An astonishing vision I never could have concocted in a trillion light-years.

Who sang the national anthem?
What to do? I could share my discovery with the public, but it would almost assuredly explode their puny minds. Society will descend into utter chaos if they know what I’ve seen here tonight. Not the black hole part, the Buffalo Bills part. I mean, upstate New York would be cool, but everyone else…

Where can I watch Super Bowl commercials?
I must make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good. Even though it means I may never earn the respect I so deeply crave from the scientific community and my girlfriend, I will turn off the machine, casually bring some chips and salsa to the break room, and pretend I never witnessed this disturbing alternate reality.

What was the final score?
Fare thee well, my time-traveling chicken wing. I can only hope we meet again in the metaphysical realm, where the NFL theme plays in the music of the stars.