You always get the guac

You have all the flip phones you could ever dream of

You call out sick for any flu, not just the stomach flu

You only work your second, third and fourth jobs when you’re bored

You have a stepchild named “Denfer”

You always sort from “Most —> Least” expensive when online shopping

You pay for a fountain drink instead of asking for a free water cup and filling it with Diet Sierra Mist when no one’s looking

When Denfer’s away at boarding school you only Airbnb his room during leaf-peeping season and NEVER when he’s home

You donate a respectable enough amount to crowdfunding campaigns that you don’t need to list yourself as anonymous

You buy horse monocles in bulk

You go see a doctor even if nothing is bleeding, and you never cry after receiving an invoice for lab work

You pay for Denfer’s Ivy League golf college in cold hard golf cash as you would never handicap him with golf debt

When your heat goes out, you cuddle with your butler for warmth

You think the kitchens in Nancy Meyers movies are fine, for a beach house

When Denfer marries a non-rich, you don’t think twice about letting her share your HBO GO password even though she claims to have her own

You change your underwear daily.