Feeling as abandoned as your local mall? As empty as a plaza parking lot? We, the brick-and-mortar retailers of America, understand your anguish — and we’re here to help. Come on down to your nearest big box store and shop the pain away. Because life is sad. But declining foot traffic is even sadder.

Bed, Bath & Back to Bed

Major depressive disorder got you down? At Bed, Bath & Back to Bed, you can buy a weighted blanket, a cozy bathrobe, and another weighted blanket. Our new self-serve checkout means you won’t have to talk to anyone, at least until the scanner malfunctions and you get into a whole thing with our manager, Barbara. Barbara is also depressed.

Whykea

Does existential angst have you shaking your fists and crying “Why, God, why?” Whykea is the therapeutic retail experience for you. Why is life so hard? Why are we even here? Why is it such a struggle to replicate the effortless Scandinavian flair of this Whykea dining room display in your own stupid home? Why don’t you get your debit card and find out?

Ross Stress for Less

Do you live with constant generalized anxiety? Load your shopping cart with surprise panic attacks at bargain-basement prices at Ross Stress for Less. Scour the racks for worries like “Is Barbara mad at me after The Scanner Incident?” for 15–65% less than our competitors who are too nervous to adjust their prices for fear they’ll mess it up.

Gloomingdale’s

Do you have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships with people, animals, and even your own clothing? Our designer jumpsuits are easy to love, whether you’re trying to impress Barbara or you’ve awakened from an Ambien nightmare to find yourself adrift on a textile waste barge. Remember: You may be too distressed to leave the house, but your distressed denim can travel the world.

The Compartmentalization Store

Has your hypersexual mania landed you in a guilt-ridden affair with Barbara? The Compartmentalization Store has everything you need to organize your deeply conflicted psyche. File sexts in color-coded folders, hide nude selfies in a fireproof lockbox, or throw all your dirty laundry into a wicker Hypocrisy Hamper. You’ll sort it out later.

Bawlmart

Do you cry before, during, and after sex? Bawlmart has a wide selection of tissues, eye drops, and sports drinks to help you maintain your hydration levels while sobbing onto Barbara. Go ahead, cry it out — nothing brings a sexual partner to climax faster than your leaky face holes and ghastly wails.

Burlington Goat Factory

Experiencing PTSD after Barbara broke up with you during your latest meltdown? Burlington Goat Factory sells professionally trained trauma exposure therapy goats to help you heal. From big angry goats to cute baby goats, we have both kinds of goats. Go on, buy a goat! Haven’t you suffered enough?