Ladies, we’ve heard your feedback about our paint-’n’-sip franchise, Artoholics Anonymous, and we get it: a glass of wine and step-by-step instructions for creating acrylic landscapes just don’t cut it anymore. And since we don’t want to end up like the now defunct glaze-your-own-pottery place that used to lease this storefront, we’re introducing new paint-’n’-sip classes for every—wait for it—palette!
Paint ’n’ Painkillers
Mondays at 6 p.m.
Get ready for an evening of self-expression and self-medication. About 4.6 million American women currently abuse prescription drugs, and it’s about time we turned that horrifying statistic into a painting of a meandering river that never gets to the point. We provide tabletop easels and oxycodone; you bring your ability to stay seated on a stool. Who knows, you might be the next Leonardo da Vicodin, Pablo Percocet, or Vincent van Gogh Get Me Some More Pills, Honey, Mama’s Hurting.
Paint ’n’ Pap
Tuesdays at 5 p.m.
Between soccer games, piano recitals, and losing your health insurance, who has time to go to the ob-gyn these days? So hop your Georgia O’Keeffe up on the exam table and let YouTube’s star “gynecologist” Dr. Katerina perform your annual pelvic exam. We provide the sterilized speculum; you bring your sexual history and a promise not to sue. You’ll go home with a painting of a cute red barn.
Paint ’n’ Self-Deprecate
Wednesdays at 4 p.m.
A workshop for the unconfident compliment-seeker! Create a half-finished painting of a swirly tree with no plans for Valentine’s Day. Laugh uncomfortably at random intervals and make comments like, “What, this? It’s terrible. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not an artist.” We provide a warm, safe environment for feeling bad about yourself; you bring an insatiable need for praise that you can’t accept.
Paint ’n’ Swing
Thursdays at 11 p.m.
Invite your spouse, lover, or side-piece and get ready for a night of steamy passion and soft-swapping. “Get to know” local singles and couples as you create an erotic painting of two birds sitting on a branch. We provide the bowl into which you’ll drop your Honda CR-V keys; you bring the results from your most recent S.T.I. screening. (Note: test results from Dr. Katerina are not admissible.)
Paint ’n’ Scream
Fridays at 9 p.m.
Shoot! The lights just went out and here you are, surrounded by strangers, sitting in the dark in this (potentially haunted) studio. What was that sound? Was it the ghostly scrape-bump-scrape-bump of Mindy, the lady who used to run the glaze-your-own-ceramics place? Will you meet your untimely death painting a droopy sunflower? You’ll find out when the lights come back on! We provide a portal to your darkest fears; you bring your overactive imagination.
Paint ’n’ Build an Addition to Your House Without Proper Permits
Saturdays at noon
Finally, a workshop that comes right to your under-construction home. Make a gorgeous painting of your own overinflated belief that the rules don’t apply to you. We provide tarps; you show proof that you didn’t fill out a permit application, because you and your new sunroom are above the law. Will the town code enforcer stop by and write you a citation? Who knows! It’s a fucking thrill ride.
Paint ’n’ Leave Your Dog in a Hot Car
Sundays at 3:30 p.m.
Experience the most incredible high possible without the use of mind-altering substances—the surge of relief that comes from forgetting that you left your dog in the car, freaking out, and then going to your car and finding that he/she is totally fine, thank God. You bring your dog and a car; we’ll provide a reminder that your dog is in the car. Participants will not have time to complete a painting.
Note: There are still spaces available for next week’s Stitch ’n’ Bitch ’n’ Slap. See you there!