Alarmed by plunging television ratings for the Academy Awards, the organization behind the Oscars said on Wednesday it would add a category for blockbuster films and shorten the telecast by giving out some statuettes during commercial breaks. —New York Times.

—Best Actor in a Leading Role Who Has Never Been Described as “Difficult”

—Best Actress in a Leading Role Who Is Paid Half Her Co-Star’s Salary

—Most Popular Film Made by and/or Starring People of Color That Should Be Nominated for Best Picture, But Why Don’t We Just Give It Its Own Special Category Over Here, Isn’t That Nice?

—Best Director Who Is Somehow Still Getting Hired by Studios Despite His Criminal Activities

—Best Actor in a Supporting Role Who Is Planning an Epic Career Comeback After Being Accused of Harassment

—Best Actress in a Supporting Role Who Will Not Be Allowed an Epic Career Comeback After Accusing Someone of Harassment

—Best Animated Denial of Wrongdoing

—Best Interview That Continues to Ask Traditionally Underrepresented People About Issues of Representation in Hollywood Instead of Letting Them Talk About Literally Anything Else

—Best Producer and/or Director Who Is Changing the Game in a Positive Way But Won’t Have His or Her Acceptance Speech Broadcast Because We Need Eleven Minutes for a Very Uncomfortable Song Parody

—Best Original Screenplay That Will Never Be Produced Because REMAKES!

—Best Visual Effects That Make It Look Like Systemic Change Is Happening Because a Handful of People Have Been Fired Yet the Flawed Infrastructure That Allowed Their Abuse of Power Remains Intact

—Best Documentary That Had Better Not Be About Hollywood, You Guys

—Best Picture of a Dysfunctional Industry