Calling all cave painters! Apply today for the world’s first artist colony in the Lascaux caves of beautiful southwestern France.

In our fast-paced Paleolithic world, cave art often falls to the wayside. That’s why The Lascaux Artist Colony was founded. Our mission: to support and nurture cave painters by giving them time and space to create. Our caves are chock full of terrifying creatures to inspire your work: more cave bears, cave lions and cave hyenas than you can shake a stick at. (Note: Artists must provide their own shaking-sticks.)

For too long, cave painters have suffered the high stress demands of nomadic life — hunting, gathering, trying not to get eaten by saber-tooth tigers. Not to mention pedestrian art critics who couldn’t tell the difference between a mammoth and a mastodon. And all those nagging elders who would rather you got a respectable BA in Spear-throwing instead of a useless MFA in Petrographs.

In our inaugural year, we've already hosted such luminaries as Glork, who paints his own handprint over and over, and the other Glork, who draws horses that kind of look like they're moving when you wave a torch over them. But, don't be intimidated by their avant-garde brilliance. We welcome Homo Sapiens at all stages of their careers, from teenagers who have just reached sexual maturity, to thirtysomethings who are nearing the ends of their lives.

Next year, we hope to expand our admissions process to include storytellers, shamans, and drum-makers. We do not currently welcome sculptors who carve erotic fertility totems, although everybody loves erotic fertility totems, and most of you will probably bring along a couple of erotic fertility totems to enjoy in the privacy of your cave, which is fine as long as you don’t disturb the other artists.

You’ll receive three delicious meals a day, killed and cooked by our outstanding culinary team. Breakfast and dinner are served family style around a state-of-the-art campfire. Lunch is hand-delivered by our beloved staff member also named Glork. He quietly and respectfully leaves a bloody reindeer leg outside your cave so as not to interrupt your creative process.

After dinner, residents often share their work with each other. These informal presentations are an excellent source of inspiration and fellowship. Just last week, Glork with the long hair revealed a new painting of a wooly rhinoceros. Glork with the curly hair called it “pedantic” and “derivative,” but Glork with no hair ran away screaming in fear due its lifelikeness. That’s the kind of meta-intertextual critique you can expect here at The Lascaux Artist Colony.

Now.

We are aware there have been some unsavory rumors about this program, and we are happy to address your concerns.

Do not listen to Glork the Paranoid from two tribes over. We are absolutely not tricking artists into entering our caves to be fed to the swelling population of cave bears, cave lions and cave hyenas. This colony is not a scheme to protect our families from being decimated by carnivorous predators. We did not select cave painters as bait because they’ll believe anything as long as you tell them you love their work. Those are all silly accusations. We simply care about artists.

If you are accepted into The Lascaux Artist Colony, you will be responsible for your own foot-travel to France. Your residency includes complimentary lodging and food for one to two moon-cycles, or as long as you can survive. Submissions are accepted on a rolling basis, and new spots continually open up. We look forward to meeting you. The sooner the better.

P.S. We love your work.