Dear acquaintance,

Please come to my shitty jewelry party. There will be beautiful baubles, cute cocktails, delicious desserts, and you’ll also have a chance to join the Islamic State.

I can’t wait to show you all the adorable shitty jewelry styles that just came in. You’re going to love our swanky new statement necklace featuring patented MineStone Chrystals in a Gold Delusion setting. I’m soooooo passionate about this season’s products — and the establishment of a global Sunni caliphate.

Go ahead and mark the date and time in your calendar. It’s going to be an absolute blast!

I know what you’re thinking, and no, there won’t be any high-pressure sales tactics or public executions. This is all about pampering yourself with a casual girls’ night in!

Now, I know there’s nothing us ladies love more than a good deal… except maybe the divine duty of mujahedeen wifehood. (Am I right??) That’s why I’m thrilled to share just a few of the discounts that will help you score the best prices on the shittiest pieces:

SAVE 15% when you buy your first Wee Blessings charm bracelet, made of 100% USDA food grade aluminum — now lead-free!

SAVE 30% when you sign up to host your own shitty jewelry party!

SAVE 75% when you condemn the corruption of pure Islam and demand the immediate annihilation of the hand of Western decadence! (Just remember to state your full name and speak slowly and clearly in the direction of my nickel-plated Kwartz Phantasy pendant necklace.)

We’re going to have such a super time, you might feel the urge to become a part of the shitty jewelry family yourself. Imagine being a work-from-home entrepreneuress with your very own multi-level direct-selling business!

All you have to do is chat with your local shitty jewelry representative (that’s me!), purchase a Shitty Jewelry Startup Kit for two easy payments of $29.99, and sign a notarized document wherein you express a desire for the destruction of democracy and the restoration of strict Salafist doctrine.

Plus, when you sign up, you’ll be eligible to win a FREE demi-precious Decepti-Gem cocktail ring in RuBee, Saffire, Jemerald, or clear.

It’s almost too easy!

When you arrive, feel free to share your enthusiasm and radical leanings on social media. I’ll ask for everyone’s Twitter handles in advance, so it’s a snap to spy on the fun.

Please stop by and help me get this jihadi party started! My Senior Style Adviser is really counting on me pulling in some good numbers, so c’mon, you guys! All you have to do is show up, have a drink, and vow to become an agent of the apocalypse, igniting the fire that will cleanse the Earth of the infidel army during the End of Days.

Go ahead and speak your mind — don’t worry, it’s just us girls!

Also make sure to bring your credit cards and two forms of government ID. Pay no attention to the unmarked van outside. It has nothing to do with the FBI.

See you there!