Your heavy bookcase needs to get from the bedroom to the living room, but there’s no one in your apartment to help you. Don’t worry! Follow these seven simple steps to safely move your furniture by yourself.

Step 1: Admit that you’re alone.
Admitting your aloneness is the first step in doing anything by yourself, and moving your bookcase is no exception. Look in the mirror and repeat, “I’m alone, totally alone,” until you start to cry. Tears are weakness leaking out of the body, and you have to purge yourself of all weakness before you can begin. This thing is freaking heavy.

Step 2: Lighten your load.
Remove all of the books from the bookcase and burn them in a bonfire. You don’t need books! Books are for the weak and intellectual, and you are no longer weak. You are strength incarnate. The fire fills you with the warmth that you used to derive from human contact. Suddenly, you feel a little less alone. Everyone else is the alone ones. Everyone else are the alone ones? You needn’t worry about proper grammar any longer.

Step 3: Use furniture sliders.
Carefully lift each corner of the bookcase about an inch, and place a plastic furniture slider underneath. You can find affordable furniture sliders at any home-improvement store, in the aisle for people who are alone. They are located between Drywall for One and the Conversation Roomba. Buy them under the cover of darkness.

Step 4: Get moving.
Slowly slide the bookcase a few inches at a time—safety first! Hey, not so fast. Why are you trying to do this so fast? The bookcase topples over, pinning you to the floor. You try to escape, but your newfound strength disappears faster than the delivery guy when you shout into your empty house, “Guys, pizza’s here!” Wait, is that pizza sauce by your head? Or blood?

Step 5: Die.

Step 6: Come back as a ghost.
Congratulations, the hellish nightmare of being alive and unable to move a bookcase is finally over! You are a ghost now, which means you are able to move furniture however you please. Shake those dresser drawers. Open and close those kitchen cabinets. Scrape that bookcase across the bedroom floor and terrify the new renter, who is trying to sleep. Wait, slow down! The bookcase topples onto the bed, crushing the new renter to death. Not again! You are so bad at this. You should really stop trying to move all this damn furniture yourself.

Step 7: Surrender to fate.
The new renter is now a ghost. Because both of you died in tragic, furniture-related accidents, Ghost Law dictates that you both must haunt this apartment for the rest of time. You decide to marry each other out of convenience and for the ghost tax incentives. You consummate your ghost relationship on top of the bookcase. It’s not the best sex you’ve ever had, but it’ll do for all eternity.

Congratulations—you’re not alone anymore!

Please enjoy my story in the Irish language with this translation by Kate Gallagher.

Conas Troscán Trom a Bhogadh Tú Féin

Caithfear do leabhragán a fháil ón seomra leapa go dtí an seomra suí, ach níl aon duine i d’árasán chun cabhrú leat. Ná bí buartha! Lean na seacht gcéim furasta seo chun do throscán a bhogadh go sábháilte tú féin.

Céim 1: Admháil go bhfuil tú i d’aonar.

An chéad chéim maidir le haon rud a dhéanamh tú féin ná admháil go bhfuil tú leat féin, agus ní eisceacht ar bith é do leabhragán a bhogadh. Féach sa scáthán agus déan athrá ar, “táim i m’aonar, go hiomlán i m’aonar,” go dtí go dtosaíonn tú ag caoineadh. Is laigí ag imeacht ó do chorp iad deora, agus caithfidh tú tú féin a phurgú de gach laige sula bhfuil tú in ann tosú. Tá an rud seo damanta trom.

Céim 2: Laghdaigh d’ualach.

Bain na leabhair ar fad ón leabhragán agus déan iad a dhó i dtine chnámh. Níl leabhair ag teastáil uait! Is do dhaoine laige agus intleachtóirí iad leabhair, agus níl tusa lag a thuilleadh. Is neart ionchollaithe thú. Líonann an tine tú leis an teas a fuair tú ó theagmháil dhaonna uair amháin. Go tobann, ní mhothaíonn tú chomh haonarach. Is é gach duine eile atá ina n-aonar. Is iad gach duine eile atá ina n-aonar? Ní gá imní a bheith ort faoi ghramadach chuí a thuilleadh.

Céim 3: Bain úsáid as sleamhnáin troscáin.

Go cúramach, tóg gach coirnéal den leabhragán thart ar orlach, agus cuir sleamhnán troscáin phlaisteach faoi. D’fhéadfá sleamhnáin troscáin ar phraghas réasúnta a aimsiú i siopa feabhsúchán tí ar bith, sa phasáiste do dhaoine atá ina n-aonar. Aimseofar iad idir ”Drywall for One” agus an “Conversation Roomba.” Ceannaigh iad faoi chlúdach an dorchadas.

Céim 4: Tosaigh ag bogadh.

Go mall, sleamhnaigh an leabhragán cúpla orlach ag an am - aire i gcónaí! Hóigh, go réidh! Cén fáth go bhfuil tú ag déanamh iarracht é seo a dhéanamh chomh gasta sin? Titeann an leabhragán anuas, do phionnáil leis an urlár. Déanann tú iarracht éalú, ach imíonn do láidreacht nua-aimsithe níos gaiste ná an fear seachadta nuair a scairteann tú i do theach folamh, “A chairde, tá an píotsa anseo!” Fan, an é sin anlann píotsa ar do cheann? Nó fuil?

Céim 5: Faigh bás.

Céim 6: Tar ar ais mar thaibhse.

Comhghairdeas, tá an tromluí damanta de bheith beo agus gan a bheith ábalta leabhragán a bhogadh críochnaithe! Is taibhse thú anois, agus ciallaíonn sin go bhféadfá troscán a bhogadh pé bealach ar mhian leat. Croith na tarraiceáin chóiritheora sin. Oscail agus dún na caibinéid chistine sin. Scríob an leabhragán trasna urlár an tseomra agus scanraigh an cíosaí nua, atá ag iarraidh codladh. Fan, go réidh! Titeann an leabhragán anuas ar an leaba, an cíosaí nua a bhrú chun báis. Ní arís! Tá tú millteanach ag seo. Stad ag déanamh iarracht an troscán damanta seo uilig a bhogadh tú féin.

Céim 7: Géilleadh do chinniúint.

Taibhse is ea an cíosaí nua anois. Mar gheall go bhfuair an bheirt agaibh bás i dtimpistí tragóideacha, bainteach le troscán, deachtaíonn Dlí Thaibhse go gcaithfidh sibh beirt an t-árasán seo a spochadh don chuid eile den saol. Déanann sibh cinneadh chun pósadh toisc go bhfuil sé áisiúil agus do dhreasachtaí cháin taibhse. Cuireann tú do ghaol taibhse i gcrích ar bharr an leabhragán. Ní hé an gnéas is fearr a bhí agat riamh, ach déanfaidh sé cúis go deo.

Comhghairdeas — níl tú i d’aonar a thuilleadh!